Loving Your Husband

Well, we’ve just spent the last two weeks looking at Loving Your Husband as defined in God’s Word. We’ve looked at ways to cultivate tender thoughts and affections towards our husbands as well some common sins that hinder this love Paul is referring to in Titus 2:3-5. Hopefully, we’ve been freshly motivated to pursue this passionate force between a husband and wife that makes a marriage work.

It’s true that some people seem to be more loving than others, but whether you are one of these people or not, you are told repeatedly in Scripture to “pursue love” and “walk in love.” You do this by putting on love with biblical thoughts and motives and what’s amazing, right actions begin to follow.

I Corinthians 13: 4-7 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or restful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

In closing out this segment on Loving Your Husband allow me to leave you with a tribute by Charles Spurgeon to his wife Suzanna Spurgeon.

“She delights in her husband, in his person, his character, his affection; to her, he is not only the chief and foremost of mankind, but in her eyes he is all – in – all; her heart’s love belongs to him and to him only. She finds sweetest content and solace in his company, his fellowship, his fondness; he is her little world, her Paradise, his treasure. At any time, she would gladly lay aside her own pleasures to find it doubled in gratifying him. She is glad to sink her individuality in his. She seeks no renown for herself; his honor is reflected upon her, and she rejoices in it. She would defend his name with her dying breath; safe enough is he where she can speak for him. The domestic circle is her kingdom; that she may there create happiness and comfort, is her life-work; and his smiling gratitude is all the reward she seeks. Even in her dress, she thinks of him; without constraint she consults his taste, and considers nothing beautiful which is distasteful to him. A tear from his eye, because of any unkindness on her part, would grievously torment her. She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content, and she is glad. He has many objects in life, some of which she does not quite understand; but she believes them all, and anything that she can do to promote them, she delights to perform.”

What a tribute from a husband to his wife!

Ladies, is our husband our greatest treasure?
Do we delight in our husband?
Do we cherish our husband?
Do we enjoy our husband?
Do we love our husband with an affectionate, tender, devoted and passionate love?

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, let’s be creative, ladies, and plan to romance our husbands like we’ve never done before. Have FUN loving your man!!!
~ Rhonda Calabello

Concerning Selfishness

My husband has always done little things to bless me. Since the day we got married he will put toothpaste on my toothbrush for me and leave it on the counter. He’s usually always the first one to make amends when we argue. And he can put things behind him and move on so quickly that it used to irritate me.

I, on the other hand, have a hard time just making his lunch in the morning (among many other things). I know that it would bless him but sometimes I don’t do it or feel like doing it. Why? Because I am selfish. In those moments where I KNOW that I should serve him and I make some excuse not to is pure selfishness. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

The sin of selfishness is very prevalent in my life. It shows its ugly face more often than I would like. But it’s a good reminder that it’s an area that I need to be working on. God, in his kindness to me, is faithful to bring about daily reminders when it comes to putting other’s needs before my own. Especially when it comes to my husband. Taking that extra time to serve him blesses him so much and really, in the long run, makes me feel good too. Not that I do it for that reason but when you are walking out your biblical role as a wife, there is fulfillment that only the Lord can give.

Martha Peace in her book, The Excellent Wife has a list of Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband. They are ALL very good but I am only going to list the first five. The rest can be found in her book on page 55-56.

1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you to accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”
4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. As you fulfill our God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.
5. Save some of your energy every day for him.

In this day and age these are pretty radical ideas….it goes against everything that our culture says that we as women should be doing. So what does an unselfish person look like? I will leave you with some common synonyms: altruistic, benevolent, charitable, chivalrous, denying, devoted, disinterested, extroverted, generous, helpful, humanitarian, incorruptible, indulgent, loving, magnanimous, noble, open-handed, self-effacing, self-forgetting, selfless, self-sacrificing
~ Sharlyn Eddy

Concerning Fear

The kind of fear single women struggle with may differ slightly from that of married women, but God’s instruction concerning fear is the same.

“…do not fear anything that is frightening.” 1 Peter 3:6

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."- Matthew 10:29-31

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life…And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25, 26, 34

Fear is something I have struggled with for awhile. It comes and goes in waves and seasons, but when it does, I have to fight hard to overcome it. My fears can often range from things like wondering if I’ll marry the right man, if I’ll be able to have children, what if my husband dies, will I be a good wife and the list could go on and on. But over time God has helped me see that fear can be debilitating. It handicaps us from fulfilling our full purpose and capabilities. Fear is not neutral. It’s sin. My fear and worry is evidence of my mistrust of God’s faithfulness and promises. The words of L.B. Cowman are forever etched upon my mind concerning this topic.

“What good has worrying ever accomplished? It has never made anyone stronger, helped anyone do God's will, or provided for anyone a way of escape out of their anxiety or confusion. Worry only destroys the effectiveness of lives that would otherwise be useful and beautiful. Can anything be gained by it? Don't we only make ourselves unfit for action and separate our minds from the ability to make wise decisions? We simply sink in our struggles when we could float by faith.”

So, whether you are married or single, and whatever your season may be, let us practice fighting fear with faith in order to fulfill our God-given responsibilities and honor our worthy Father in the process.

“He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid” – Psalm 112:7-8
~ Lana Calabello

Having a Judgmental Attitude

Many times we may find ourselves struggling with a critical spirit or a judgmental attitude towards our husband. This has been an area where the Lord has been doing an over-haul in my thinking and actions. We've been well taught over the years and I have found one thing to be very helpful. We make assessments and really believe our observations are accurate. But only the Lord knows the true motives of the heart. So after much stumbling and fresh grace I think I am finally learning to apply this truth whenever my husband does something that could possible offend me or that I might not understand. We can be honest with the Lord and pour our heart out in prayer, even saying "Lord, this doesn't make sense to me." But as we surrender difficult and confusing things to the Lord He gives the grace to trust our husbands and allow the One who sees all and knows all to handle the situation. This is very freeing and removes the need for us to try to figure everything out and bring correction every time we experience an offense. Remembering the cross and how merciful the Lord has been towards us will keep us in a posture of humility. May the Lord give you fresh grace today in your relationship with your husband.
~ Brenda Edwards

Being Critical

Today we pick up with another common sin that can often hinder wives from loving their husband; the sin of Criticism.

So how can we know when we are being critical?

Well, I believe one way of knowing is when we are more aware of our husband’s sins and/or weaknesses than our own.

Matthew 7:1-5 helps us see this a bit more clearly. “Before you can see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye, first take the beam out of your own”.

How often do we approach our husband whether in thought or in words without first looking at our own heart? To my shame I fail far too often not to guard my heart in this area. I tend to concentrate more on the areas my husband is not doing well in rather than on the areas he is exceeding in.

Having this attitude may cause us to withhold encouragement from our husband or from others in the areas they are excelling in for fear if we do encourage them they won’t do all the things they are suppose to do in the areas they are still deficient in.

I know from experience this has caused great frustration in my husband’s heart, leaving him to think if he will ever be able to please me. And what is even sadder to me, is the fact that it can tempt him to just give up.

Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tear hers down.”

A critical heart will tear our husbands down and as a result can destroy our marriage. God’s Word tells us, we are foolish women if we engage in this practice. Ladies, we need to be more aware of God’s grace at work in our husband’s lives than in the areas he needs to grow in. We really do need to encourage them daily, unconditionally.

I love this quote by Lars Gren (Elizabeth Elliot’s husband)

“If you are a very generous wife, you may perhaps allow that your husband lives up to 80 percent of your expectations. The other 20 percent you want to change. You may, if you choose, pick away at that 20 percent for the rest of your married life and you probably will not reduce it by very much. Or you may choose to skip that and simply enjoy the 80 percent and both you and your husband will be very happy.”

Father, help me to love well as defined by you. Help me to love my husband with an affectionate, tender, devoted, and passionate love. Please forgive me when I choose to be critical towards him. Help me to first see the beam in my eye before trying to remove the speck from my husband’s eye. Thank you for your sweet forgiveness and the power of your Holy Spirit helping me to love my husband in a manner pleasing to you. ~ Rhonda Calabello

Loving Your Husband

I don’t know about you but I am so thankful for God’s kindness in allowing us this opportunity to once again turn our attention to the importance of Loving Our Husband.
Over the last week I have been freshly reminded that it really does matter to God.

It’s amazing how most wives are “in love” with their husbands when they marry, but shortly after the honey-moon many become disillusioned. And it doesn’t take long to discover your Prince Charming was really a sinner and he soon discovers you are not Cinderella but a sinner as well.

Sin really does destroy love. The reason being, our heart governs our feelings and rules our affections. And it is this sin that will hinder our affections for our husbands.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
Scripture assigns the place of sin to the heart. But how often do we blame others for our sin? Our husband, our children, our parents or those around us cannot cause us to sin, but they can help reveal what’s already in the heart.

As women we are prone to some common sins such as bitterness, selfishness, fear, criticism and judgmental attitudes.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NAS) says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you.”

Bitterness hinders love. Expectations can destroy. So often when our husbands don’t produce what we think and desire, disappointment sets in. For me it might look like this;
not getting a certain gift, desiring some time away together but having to put it on hold or as simple as expecting Joe to have a certain task completed when I arrive home from somewhere only to find him watching golf or a football game, etc.

In closing allow me to leave you with some common signs of bitterness I believe we all struggle with. I would encourage you to prayerfully consider if any of these signs of bitterness seem to be giving expression in your life and if so, ask God as I have for His forgiveness and help to overcome this sin of bitterness. For His grace is sufficient.

1. Gossip and Slander
2. Ungrateful and Complaining
3. Judges Motives – what your husband does is suspect in your eyes
4. Self-Centered – self-absorbed; focused on hurts done against you
5. Excessive sorrow – Grief and hurt has crowded out any joy, peace, or love
6. Vengeful – you look for ways to avoid your husband; pouting, giving him the cold shoulder
7. Brooding – always playing back in your mind hurtful things your husband has done toward you
8. Loss of Joy – you have little or no delight in your relationship with the Lord

Please join us next week as we continue looking at these common signs of bitterness.

Loving Your Husband

I like to sing. If a song is appropriate for the moment then I sing it. My husband thinks it’s kind of annoying (not sure if it’s because perhaps I am a little off tune or he just doesn’t like the singing). I grew up hearing all genres of music so it’s easy for me to pull something from memory and just sing! I was lying in bed the other morning trying to motivate myself to get up but I was so comfy and warm that I was having a hard time. So I started thinking about this topic and what I was going to write about and I immediately thought of the Fiddler on the Roof (Probably because Rhonda mentioned it as well during her teaching). I was singing (in my head) the “Do you love me” song from the movie. Tevye asks Golde if she loves him and her response is this:

Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

Tevye goes on to talk about how he felt when they got married and asks her again. Again, her response is this:

Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

Sometimes I think that loving my husband is doing the laundry, cooking his meals, ironing,...the list could go on and on. And maybe it is to a certain extent. Those things are definitely important to him. But with that mindset it doesn’t take long for bitterness and resentment to set in.

For me I know that when I am tender toward my husband and caring for him is what blesses him most. Ephesians 5:33 (Amplified Bible) And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband – that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him, and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly. That’s what loving your husband is!

I want to leave you with a quote from our notes on Loving Your Husband:

“Are you in love with your husband? Not, ‘Do you love him?’ I know you do. He has been around a long time, and you’re used to him. He is the father of your children. But are you in love with him? How long has it been since your heart squeezed when you looked at him? Why is it you have forgotten the things that attracted you to him at first...?

“By the grace of God, I want you to start changing your thought pattern. Tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to look at him. Don’t you see the way his coat fits his shoulders? Look at his hands. Do you remember when just to look at his strong hands made your heart lift? Well, look at him and remember. Then loose your tongue and tell him you love him. . Will you ask the Lord to give you a sentimental, romantic, physical, in-love kind of love for your husband? He will do this. His love in us can change the actual physical quality of our love for our husbands.” Shirley Rice
~ Sharlyn Eddy

Loving Your Husband

Though I’m not married yet, and I haven’t experienced what it means to love a husband, God has helped me to view my singleness as a gift from Him, balanced with a hope that one day I will marry. Many wise women in my life, particularly my mom, have encouraged me from a young age to not view my singleness as a waiting time, but that every season is God’s will for us and to be lived purposefully for His glory. Knowing my own inadequacy in many areas, it has always been my desire to learn as much as possible from the godly women in my life. I understand that it’s not likely that I will magically inherit all the qualities that will help me love my husband the way God instructs. And whether or not God has marriage for me in my future, He is calling me to pursue the same qualities now. Good character and habits aren’t limited to wives, but instead, God has called us as women to live a life worthy of the calling we’ve received.

So, what ways could potentially pose a problem with me effectively loving the people God has placed in my life, as well as a future husband? There are too many to name, but the ones listed below are the ones I believe God is highlighting at present.

Relationship with God - Every God glorifying marriage I’ve seen begins with a woman in love with her Savior. I see the importance of first being grounded and content in my relationship with the Lord, in order to be able to love the people in my life.

Pride – I see pride as a huge barrier to any and every relationship and know that whether I live out my days as single or married, the dying of pride and developing of humility with serve me and especially others!

Selfishness – True love does not seek its own pleasure, but seeks to serve others. Dying to self is still a daily battle, but one worth fighting, for the good of my relationships and for God’s glory.

Laziness – This is probably the most practical and visual sin that I could see affecting my future husband. This could tie into selfishness as well. I want to grow at being busy about what God has called me to, whether it be cleaning a bathroom, serving at church or working. I see that being a good steward of my time honors God and blesses others.

Self-disclosure – As I grow in humility, I am hoping to grow in being open about joys as well as struggles. Being a “vault” when it comes to communicating about myself, doesn’t serve anyone. I’ve seen the affects first hand in my own life.

Viewing myself as the worst sinner I know – I’ve seen the importance in marriages as well as every other kind of relationship, of first looking at my own life before that of others. This helps battle the sins of bitterness, criticism and being judgmental. Sins that will kill any love, no matter how ardent. In light of God’s forgiveness, how can we not forgive others?

Doing the hard work now, will hopefully produce good fruit for the road ahead and glorify God in the process. By seeking to grow in these areas now, I am hoping to be better equipped to love my parents, siblings, friends, co-workers and Lord willing, future husband. ~ Lana Calabello

Loving Your Husband

Marriage is a journey. On this journey we can be assured as believers that the Lord is at work in our lives. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 3:18 "But we all, with unveiled face beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit." We have the distinct opportunity to actually see this transformation process take place over a number of years in our spouse. When I look at my husband's face I no longer merely see his physical features but because I know him so well I see a bit of his soul as I gaze at him. When we were in college one of my favorite verses was 1 Timothy 4:12: "Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe." Paul goes on to say: "Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress may be evident to all." We are no longer youths but because my husband gave attention to those things through the years his progress is very apparent to me. This is cause for great rejoicing and wonder as I praise God for the blessing of living with a man who takes pain with these things and is absorbed in them.

One of the best ways we can serve our husbands is to remind them of evidences of grace, how we can genuinely see progress in specific areas of their lives. We can now laugh about some things in the past and know that whatever current challenges we may be facing do not have to be as intimidating as they seem as we remember the faithfulness of God to carry us through. We: are being transformed. Try to remember that this is a process and the Lord is not on our timetable. His ways are not our ways. Be patient. Fret not. Be thankful for the smallest of evidences of this transforming grace and express your gratitude to both the Lord and your husband. Ladies, we are a very blessed group of women and have so much to be thankful for. I am provoked by my husband's example and pray that as the Lord renews my mind he can witness this transformation process in me as well. ~ Brenda Edwards

Loving Your Husband

For the next few weeks we will be highlighting God’s purpose and plan for women found in Titus 2:4-5. Contained in these 2 verses are 7 qualities, 4 of which we will consider. Loving Your Husband; Loving Your Children; Being a Keeper of the Home and Submission. Regardless of the season of life you may find yourself in God’s Word gives clear instructions as to how we are to conduct ourselves in each season of our lives.

We will begin this series talking about our highest relational priority: our husband. We will learn that this love Paul was exhorting the older women to teach the younger women was a warm, tender, compassionate, sweet love towards their husband.

As wives we are faced with this challenge; getting caught up in the day to day responsibilities of serving our families and loving our children to the neglect of cultivating this special kind of love that Paul is referring to. This love is not a dutiful kind of love rather it is a love full of pleasure and enjoyment.

Joe and I have been married for 29 years now. I was barely 21 and very unprepared, yet very prideful, independent, self-sufficient, and spoiled to say the least. To my shame I felt as if the world revolved around me and life became all about me. Boy, was I ever in for a rude awakening.

Perhaps, this is why the apostle Paul thought it was of paramount importance that the older women teach the younger women how to love their husbands. I remember hearing someone say, “The Bible is radically counter-cultural to the self-centered worldview we have perhaps bought in to”. How true. This self-centered worldview has been spoon-fed to young girls through fairy tales and force-fed to young women through movies, magazines and music. And at some point, hopefully, sooner than later we have to learn to step out of the princess spotlight and learn how to love well in the way God defines love. A wedding isn’t the kick-off to Happily Ever After. It’s really only the beginning into a new season, with new and different opportunities to demonstrate Christ-like love that wasn’t present before we were married.

Author Douglas Wilson writes in his book Her Hand in Marriage, “Problems in marriage are always the result of self-centeredness.” You see, well before getting married one should spend time in preparation for marriage, even if he never gets married.
Why? Because preparation for Christian marriage is basically the same preparation for Christian living. As Christians we are to prepare for marriage by learning self-denial, subduing our pride, and putting our neighbor first. We all bring expectations into our marriage, right ones and wrong ones.

The better way is to glean from the wisdom and experience of those who have gone before us. The better way is to benefit from the training and instruction the older women with Godly character have to offer. And it is this better way we see highlighted in our Titus passage as well as John 13:34-35 and I Corinthians 13.

So please join us tomorrow as we kick off this segment on Loving Our Husband.
~ Rhonda Calabello

Happy New Year!

A fortnight from Monday

We will have more to say.

And so whilst we take

This modest break

We ask for us you pray.

Happy New Year,

A Cup of Grace Blogging Team

Goals for the New Year

Goals are good and we all need them. Keeping them and following through is a whole other story. I have certain goals in mind for the New Year and hopefully with the Lord’s help will accomplish many of them. There are many areas in my life that I need to improve upon. One of which is my relationship with the Lord. This one really never goes away for we should all be striving for a deeper, closer relationship with our Heavenly Father.

In John Piper’s book “Don’t Waste Your Life” he says this: We waste our lives when we do not pray and think and dream and plan and work toward magnifying God in all spheres of life. God created us for this: to live our lives in a way that makes him look more like the greatness and the beauty and the infinite worth that he really is.

This year I plan to take a close look at time wasters in my life. What do I spend my time doing most? What keeps me from magnifying God in all spheres of my life? As I am sitting here writing this, I can already think of many things that keep me from Him. It’s time to start making that list and writing down all that would keep me from enjoying my Lord and Savior most.

May you all have a blessed New Year! ~ Sharlyn Eddy